Three years ago I wrote this on my other blog. I was a mess at the time and I had just only met Fhon who was known back then as Mrs. Cake Girl. The difference of my life now is great but I am now in the middle of a depressive episode and now heavily medicated but in a better frame of mind. Just proves things can change over time.
THREE YEARS AGO
For the past 30 years, I have been taking medications for Bipolar Disorder. That’s right, for most of my life I have been taking various pills to try and keep these horrible thoughts out of my mind. My manic times have not been very kind. I am one of the unlucky ones that have huge rage issues. When I get manic, I go off the deep end, and I go and fight something horrible. The anger that comes out of me is not a nice thing. This abnormal mood swing has affected just about every movement of my life.
The list of drugs I have been on is huge. I cannot list them all as in all honesty; I cannot remember them all. Now the doctors have told me I have GERD and it is a good chance that it is from all this stuff I have taken. I am now fully weaned off lithium, and the withdrawal effect is still bothering me. I have Flu-like symptoms now. A very runny nose, sore bones, nausea, and severe headaches. My mood is swinging around like a wrecking ball at the moment, and I need to be very careful in what I say. Honestly, I am not feeling that well at this point.
Mrs. Cake Girl is strong for me at the moment because at times I yell and get a hateful feeling for her. She has told me I have been on this Lithium for 30 years and no matter how I do it, coming off is not going to be easy. My doctor has asked me to start a drug called Abilify now to control my moods, but I am terrified to start it. Mrs. Cake Girl has seen how extreme my moods are and has told me I should try it as she has told me I am dangerous at times and need help.
It is hard to say what to do. I am 47 now, and I have seen so many of my friends die from the age of 47 to 52 from cancer to heart problems. My health is not okay, and I do think my lifespan is limited. Bipolar for me has been a hellish ride. I have major problems with remunerating thoughts, and they go on for hundreds of hours at a time and never stop. Sleep does not come easy, and when I do sleep, these remunerating thoughts are in my dreams, and they never stop. I wake up exhausted, and the cycle goes on and on. I am crawling up the walls at 4 am with these wired feelings, and the room is too small. It never ends. The thoughts keep going on and on. I have no feelings for other people, and then the anger comes.
So whatever happens, it does not matter for me much anymore. Tomorrow is just another day and either it will be good or bad.
So 30 years of lithium and being told I would have a productive life from the doctors has been pretty well much a lie. Nothing has changed for me since my first manic episode, and nothing in the future will change either.
So this is the life of bipolar, and I gather even after 30 odd years I should be used to it, but I am not. The doctors have been wrong; my body is wearing out on me and death is the only thing that waits for me to end this nightmarish charade. I think I can accept that now, so I think now, live each day as it comes.
I can not do anything else.