I have not written for some time as I have been sick. The last four months have been a hard slog as I have been very depressed and over the last week, my mood has been very unstable. I think I am going now through a mixed state (between depression and hypomania) because at times I feel like I am touching God and I want to be famous. Yet then a few hours later I am just depressed and have no energy to do anything. It is just a big deep hole of nothingness and it leads to anger and repressed feelings of worthlessness that make me want to fight because I feel like I am doing nothing with my life.
Over the years I have suffered more from anger and manic stages then fits of depression but this time, this depression just does not seem to want to lift. It makes me feel hopeless and at night times when it is at its worse, I just want to fight with everyone. Tonight I had to listen for a few hours to Youtube Music to try and make myself feel somewhat better but I felt sad because I cannot sing or play and instrument and in the end, I just had to turn it off as it just made things worse. I am taking my medications so I am not as bad as I could be if I was not taking them. If I was not taking them, I would have got myself in a lot of trouble over the last few weeks as my thinking has not been right but the medications have quietened me down to the point that I am unable to get in a depressed rage and lash out at everyone that I love.
I will try to write more once I am feeling not as bad but I thought I better update everyone with what is happening.