I have not written since April of this year. Depression struck me in early April and up till this point I have not been able to write, let alone post even anything on Facebook. Most people think of depression as a fleeting thing that sticks around for a few hours or days and then just goes away. In my case, it has been seven months of despair that has rotated with sudden mood changes in the afternoons that have been unbearable. It has been foreboding and crippling in many ways and I have not been able to function properly.
Bipolar Depression can just last from a few days to what I have been told, even to a couple of years depending on the cycle. You just need to work through it and try to come out on the other side. This has been the longest a depression has held me as most of the time I use to rotate like every six weeks between hypomania and depression. I do not know what the change has been but I am only getting myself back on the road now.
I have spent the last 6 months mostly in bed early in the afternoon paralyzed fighting my bad thoughts. I have been on various drugs to counter things but at best they take the edge off from me wanting to kill myself or start to self harm from cutting. It truly has been a dark time but over the last week something has seemed to change and these thoughts and processes are going away. I am able to watch TV for a short period of time and my mood has been more upbeat.
My wife has had the strength of Samson to bear the brunt of what I have been through. She has had to handle a lot and she has done me proud. Having a solid partner to depend on has been a God send.
I hopefully will go through a stage of normalcy for some time after this and that I do not now trip into a state of hypomania. That is the problem. The piper needs to pay the pauper. It seems to work on a payback system. There might be a good chance I become hypomanic for months to even off the toll. My doctor is monitoring that now and is telling me she is worried this may happen.
I am getting good treatment but it costs. It is not cheap for medication in Thailand and I spend over 10,000 baht a month on treatment. Add on top this this private insurance, it certainly is not cheap. I may only cost me a few dollars for a meal or coffees, but for other things, we have expenses.
San Kamphaeng maybe just a small village but it is now my home. I have built relationships here and I have some fine friends now. I need weekly treatment by a psychiatrist, just not an ordinary doctor and I would not get this treatment in Australia easily. The drugs I am on are cutting edge and I am sure I would not have access to them as well. All I am hoping for now is that I can watch some TV, get a little exercise in, and for my mind to give me a break from horrorville.
I hope to write again shortly but about more upbeat things about my home and how Thailand has been handling Covid-19 and the glut in tourists and how that is affecting society. Chiang Mai is a very changed place since the tourist stopped coming and just about half the hotels closing down. It is still busy but the glut of Chinese is so obvious now, it was pretty easy to see who was keeping the economy alive. We cannot just rely on one sector.
Once again I would like to thank you for reading this blog. I hope I have more to accomplish in the near future.